Mean People...

Mean People... We all know them, and I'm pretty sure that we have all been one at some point or another. In writing this post, I don't want to spend too much time focusing on negativity or those that seem to perpetually carry it around because I don't want to feed it. My goal is to provide positive and productive ways to deal with difficult personalities that we encounter... or think that we are encountering. Like all posts, I'm writing this because it is something I am trying to learn and not because I claim an expertise.

The first step is to spend just a moment trying to see from where the mean, fuming, ugly, contrite behavior is coming. Is our higher power actually holding up a mirror so that we can recognize our own traits? Are we projecting a characteristic from our past - from a relative or prior relationship - onto a new person? On the other hand, does the person have a genuine disagreement with you, are they having a bad day and in need of compassion, or are they simply carrying around a lot of toxicity, evil, or duhka (Sanskrit for misconception, mental suffering, or trouble - not unlike the American dookie!)

If you might be projecting characteristics from a "ghost of your past" onto a new person or feel like you are repeatedly reliving interactions from your childhood or a prior relationship, recognizing this is the biggest key to stopping it.

We shouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out why the person is acting in such a manner, especially if it is not coming from us. They are not going to change just because we understand, and, if it's toxicity, we don't want to catch it! However, in all cases, we can respond in loving kindness and ahimsa (non-violence) which may mean protecting ourselves.

As my mother would say, we should try to let someone's ugly comments roll off of us like water on a duck's back, but here are some strategies when that is just not so easy.

When you find yourself very critical of another person, take a personal inventory. List all of your positive and negative traits. This is not self-centered. It will help all of your relationships and will even out some of that self-righteousness that I, for one, tend to get. After just a few sessions, extreme agitation can be replaced with a new awareness and even peace... at least for a while until you need to sit down again for more inventory! Try this before confronting the person or deciding not to speak to them for a month or forever... We can feel awfully justified in our own negative behavior if we do not take a personal inventory as well as a moment to check in with our higher power. Remember, "an eye for an eye" does not work here.

If you often feel victimized (mentally not physically,) in addition to an inventory, see how you are contributing to the situation and why you may be subconsciously choosing to participate, then go focus on taking care of yourself and getting busy living your life! (More on this to come.)

If the person really pushes your buttons or you have a long history of conflict with them, try the quantum collapse process. Take a sheet of paper and write down all of the person's negative characteristics, instances in which you have possessed the same, all of their positive characteristics, and instances in which you've possessed the same. Even if you can only think of one... Then, write down your own positive and negative characteristics and instances they've reflected those very same attributes until your writing overlaps and is all mixed together. This exercise may help you see the other person better and lessen their impact on you.

We also need to be cautious of how much importance we place on what other people think and if we are taking behavior personally when it may have absolutely nothing to do with us - even if the "mean person" thinks that it does. Are you making this person an idol by hyper focusing on their behavior?

Lastly, the biggest step I can offer is prayer, especially the Serenity Prayer:
           "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change  [especially the past and other people,] the courage to change the things I can [just my own thoughts and actions right this second,] and the wisdom to know the difference."

When you know that you are going to encounter a difficult person, in advance, pray (or take a time out) and remember that you are not alone. I have had moments where I just had to remember that my God and his group of heavily armed angels were right there with me. Another way to see this is to visualize a spiritual bubble of light surrounding you that none can penetrate. I, however, sometimes need more than a bubble.

We can also detach with love, setting boundaries about how we will engage with that person - often compassionately limiting the time we will spend with them. Some say to visualize physically cutting the rope that connects you. However, Yoga, Buddhism, Christianity, and most other spiritual teachings remind us that we are all connected energetically; so perhaps it's better to detach with love and hope rather than sharp objects...

Ultimately, don't bring a toxic person home with you! If you wouldn't want to live with them, then don't think about them all the time, placing them virtually beside you. For those who really do live with the person giving you trouble, all of the tools above are for you, but I am reminded of a quote: "Accept it, enjoy it, or change it!"

This is but one form of distraction and interruption in life. Hopefully, we can assess it and let the experience be a brief learning experience and a sign for us to get back to our own spiritual homework and self study, rather than allowing the experience to be an obstacle. That is the ultimate victory over a mean person -use them as a tool for growth and kindly move forward, boundaries lovingly established, with your posse of guardian angels and spiritual power. Remembering that we are all humans, all struggling in one way or another, but all accountable for our words and thoughts. Namaste!

Resources:
Michael Smith, The Presence Process
Melody Beattie, Language of Letting Go
Alanon materials such as Blueprint for Progress
Dr. John DeMartini