Self-acceptance

Right now, I am a frizzy-haired pacifist in mercenaries’ clothing, and Sally, my five month old puppy, is a chronically muddy dog with a taste for paper who cannot keep her leash untangled despite my efforts to enable her (my views not hers.)

 Self-acceptance is not about making excuses for your behavior; it’s looking in the mirror, being honest, and identifying the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and the tangled. Most of us have trouble with one half of this or the other.  However, wherever we go, we are there, and the only way to change this perpetual company we keep is to get to know, embrace, love, and forgive that person. Who knows, once we get to know them, we may not want to change them so much.

After all, spending time condemning ourselves, like worrying, does not contribute to life at all (neither does fooling ourselves,) and comparing ourselves to others is a defect in itself. This is true in asana practice as well. We have to meet our bodies where they are; forcing them into poses, rather than accepting their current state and allowing them to open organically, will literally cause our bodies to bust out of the constriction which is both painful and expensive.

Each part of us is a pixel of our image, our being; only together do they form a real picture; furthermore, our unique state of being, even awkwardness, are pieces of a larger universal puzzle which requires  every single one to make the whole. Funny thing is the moment of glimpsing this entire picture ironically will cause it to immediately change! Just keep your eyes open!

First things first, though, we cannot accept ourselves until we know ourselves through self-study, “svadhyaya.” The ancient Indian sage, Putanjali, as interpreted by BKS Iyengar, said that we learn of our true selves through studying sacred texts. Alternatively, Deepak Chopra has said that all of our parts, positive and negative ones, become apparent when we act with passion, so that when we throw our whole selves into something, a task or pursuit, then every piece comes to the surface. This can be a little scary and is at least partially responsible for why we often act on the shallow surface of life and do not make a habit of truly looking in the mirror much less to say, I love you.

What many people experience as obstacles in life are reflections of “a decision to shut out understanding.” In other words, they are reflections of our own resistance. Nevertheless, we often feel like victims of an uncontrollable current.  This bewilderment is not fate but “holes in awareness,” places where we haven’t looked.   

Looking in the mirror is liberating. It removes obstacles as well as the pretense between you and your God, a relationship that will produce even further self-acceptance, and, if that God can love your company, surely you can too.

I will most likely always dance like a white girl who spent too much time in Ballet and be the girl who turns red, speaks “so softly,” tries too hard to make conversation, and  is more comfortable playing by herself a few yards away… most of the time, but I know it and intend to throw my shimmy-like-a-white-girl self into this rabbit hole called life as fully as possible, eyes wide open, and accept, if not enjoy, my company while I’m at it. Won’t you join me?

(Perhaps your knee jerk reaction is that this is so very cheesy, but I dare you to look where you haven’t looked just for kicks…)

Namaste,

Crystal

Life Lessons

Yesterday, I reread all of my posts so far. Most life lessons are like sunscreen; you have to reapply often.

Unfortunately, not only do I have to remind myself, I generally have to learn them first hand and not take someone else's word for it. Furthermore, it may take several "opportunities" before the lesson becomes clear.

Lessons don't sink into us until we are ready for them. For instance, we may know that to repeat the same thing over and over again and expect a different result is insanity, but we will continue to do so despite negative results until we are REALLY ready to stop; meanwhile the Universe will keep giving us such opportunities until whatever we need to gain is clear and heartily absorbed. Sacred texts can be quite repetitive, I believe, intentionally for this same reason.

Tom Clancy (and a Native American before him) said that "once you stop learning, you die."  It's certainly true that when you become complacent, life throws curve balls to keep us on our toes. This experience would be pretty boring otherwise.

This is why we "practice" yoga, law, and medicine. When we revisit an asana, a situation, or a parable, we embrace it differently every time and stretch ourselves slightly more.

We just have to have faith that we learn what we need to now and uncover the rest at the right time and that all of our life experiences and lessons are there as a tool belt inside of us even if they are not apparent. Be thankful for your teachers and messengers – the pleasant and the harsh, and be proud when you see your responses subtly shift and when you recognize the same patterns (bonus points when you start to recognize them at the beginning.) It's tempting to beat yourself up when we realize we knew better, but, after all, Jesus did instruct us to have the mind and eyes of children...

Best wishes in this classroom called Earth,

Crystal

The Courage to Change The Things I am

Wow, the month of April has literally and figuratively blown by! So much for a post a day or even a week...

I like to multitask whether it's my phone, driving, and make up (yes I proudly admit it) or praying, walking, and wearing Sally, my puppy, out. Yesterday while we were walking, I said the Serenity Prayer, as usual, starting out with "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," but, instead of "the courage to change the things I can," "the courage to change the things I am" accidentally came out. Truly, this is the only thing I can change.

Then, a moment ago, while sitting at the computer pulling directions for my cousin  who is helping me move tomorrow, I thought, "He better not show up in the morning hungover!" Immediately, my own glass of wine fell over, dumping a pool of Sauvignon Blanc around the keyboard. The irony and timing was so amazing and perfect that it was my reminder to share this thought. I have absolutely no control over my cousin or anyone else for that matter despite my very best intentions. The only person I have "control" over is me. [Disclaimers: I have come to this conclusion after many years of, shall we call it, experimentation. Secondly, I was not really worried he would do so by the way, but we'll see. ;)]

Not only do I solely have control over myself and no one else, I only have power over my actions and thoughts at this very moment. "The courage to change things I am," not I was or I will. As a result, torturing ourselves with the past or the future or carrying it around with us on a daily basis is futile as well as distracting. However, being present in this moment and really managing our current thoughts and the vibrations we emit will impact our future and everyone around us.

Sometimes, who we are currently or the way that we currently see ourselves is scary. At this point, we can either do something about it step by step (hint hint ;) ) or use the unhealthy state in which we may presently find ourselves as an excuse to perpetuate the same. This is why we pray for courage, courage that may be otherwise outside our reach.

The Serenity Prayer also helps us chop down the list of worries that pop up. If I cannot control anyone or anything else, what I should be focusing on is more manageable. In yoga philosophy, this is part of isvarapranidhana, a niyama, which means to let go and let God or simply to surrender. My Grandma Utley used to tell me that every single time I asked her advice, and I would get so annoyed because I did not understand what she was saying to me at the time. However, sometimes that is truly all that we can productively do. The Serenity Prayer helps us to figure out what items are in this category and to obtain the wisdom to recognize that which we can change, ourselves - right now.

Namaste,
Crystal

p.s. I wrote this without access to spell check, so my apologies in advance!

Spring

Aside from allergies, there is something incredibly soothing and refreshing about the abundant green outside, the fresh, new life with delicate, intricate leaf and flower buds unveiling themselves, and the Earth saying, "I'm still here for you."

Spring is also a very messy period with all of the rain. As Parker Palmer said, we have similar seasons in our lives, and it's the messy tearful periods that lead to growth and new life. The pollen, rain, and mud remind us that some of the most beautiful happenings would not exist but for the messiness which came before it.

Farmers right now are grateful for the rain and pray that it penetrates the earth reaching down to the sprouting seeds beneath the surface and feeding what will hopefully be a bountiful harvest next season. The fresh abundance of spring feeds us as well in a reaffirming, cleansing, and soothing way, penetrating us to the core - if we pay attention - as does the spring of our lives: the new, delicate, and tearful moments, those where you can tell something is coming up, something is about to sprout but you can't tell exactly what it is... 

Feed and water those moments, be gentle with the unknown and delicate new chapters of your life, and see what blooms! - Crystal 

Meditation and Resistance

Lent is generally a time to start a diet. It was originally adopted by society to promote the salted fish industry. Nevertheless, despite its roots in food, Lent can be a time to reconnect with ourSelves and to deeply ponder the Christian belief of Jesus' sacrifice and, more broadly, the presence of the Divine in our lives. (Technically, dieting is a physical manifestation of reconnecting to yourself and paying more attention, but I challenge you to delve slightly deeper.)

 God simply asks that we surrender and give of ourselves; everything else is done for us as the Universe is here to support us.  Nevertheless, when we preoccupy ourselves with worry and negativity, we are not open to receive. We are resisting our gifts including those we strongly desire. In yoga postures and stretches, we may experience a physical manifestation of resistance. When we tense up at new openings in our body, we can create something worse than the congestion and restriction previously present.

Meditation and taking some quiet time allow us to remove ourselves from mental and spiritual resistance, worry, and negativity. Furthermore, the practice makes us receptive to the peace, clarity, contentment, and love that are sitting there in piles waiting on us. If we do not take a moment to meditate or simply breath, then we are passively or directly refusing to stop and accept possession of them which is quite reckless. It is navigating without being at the metaphorical helm or driving with mud covering the windshield which are both stress and chaos producing. Secondly, when we do not take a moment to regroup internally, we are ignoring the Divine who is standing there waiting for our attention, waiting to give us the very love, wholeness, peace, and understanding for which we run around in circles on this Earth. Besides being inefficient, it's pretty unappreciative, disrespectful, and down right mean to our Higher Power.

Most of us would like to take a luxurious 15 minutes for God and ourselves but, due to life - children, work, relationships, and a combination thereof, we cannot. Some of us (myself included) could swing it and simply do not make an effort on a regular basis which raises further questions about self love and other topics that I may cover one day. Either way, in the harried moments of life, there are always spaces in between, and your breath is always there for you - to feed you and return you to the helm.

So, when you are overwhelmed with stress, fear, negativity, or just the nuances of the day-to-day or when you encounter physical or mental resistance, first, be cognizant of that which you are personally creating (trust me, there is already enough.) Then, replace what you can with openness, breath, and appreciation thereby allowing yourself to be receptive to the ripples of support, love, divinity, peace, and clarity that await you in the midst of life's tsunamis. Wipe clear the window or windshield so that you can see and possess the gifts of the Universe and the traces of positivity in humanity. This may sound idealistic, but, in this day and age, what else is there to do?

Namaste,
Crystal

Take Care

Over the past two weeks, I have struggled with the most stubborn, gruesome sinus infection ever. On the second week, I was done being sick and threw myself into work… for about five minutes when my body stopped me in my tracks. I felt lazy, guilty, and depressed, but I realized that I was not going to get better unless I basically slept the week away. Despite my pre-existing obligations, I had an obligation to myself.

Three reasons to truly take care of yourself: 1) it’s practical, 2) you cannot sufficiently take care of someone else without first nourishing yourself, and 3) no other person can take care of you the way that you can. Two additional reasons for the hard-headed: when we tend to ourselves, others will step up to do the same when we are not there to enable them, and, in a relationship, people are less likely to deem you worthy of care or respect if you do not tend to yourself first.  

This may sound like I’m stating the obvious, but it’s harder than it sounds. For instance, I recently met a woman who suffered a miscarriage because her employer refused to let her take sick leave during her prescribed bed rest. My lawyerly reaction was that “she had a right” (under the Fair Labor Standards Act,) but she knew that she and the baby would need the money coming in, and so the woman pushed herself too far. Now, she is without child, and her employer hasn’t skipped a beat. Life is often not so dramatic, but if we fail to take care of ourselves, such neglect will take its toll subtly at first, then louder and louder.

Self-care takes different forms at different times. However, the basics are adequate nutrition (does not include Ramen noodles or, much to my dismay, diet Dr. Pepper,) rest, exercise, clothing, hygiene, and medical care. Yoga philosophy refers to “saucha,” cleanliness. The word encompasses the very basics of self-care going beyond hygiene to purity of mind, body, and what we put into them.

If you took a moment to take an inventory, what are you missing? Most of us are either missing rest OR exercise and are probably shy a teeth cleaning.

Nourishing yourself goes beyond the basics to include pure fun, comfort, and time to be alone and quiet with your higher Self. Knowing what you need requires listening within. I’ve always heard, “HALT if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired."  I promise that afterwards you’ll be much more helpful and better company!

If you are a saintly vegetarian and feel like you are floating in space, eat some protein for heaven’s sake. If you are overwhelmed, then Blue Bell ice cream or very cheesy mashed potatoes is completely necessary. If you are burning the candle at both ends, take a nap before you blow out. However, if you are lethargic and tired for no reason, then it’s time for some cardio my friend. Last but not least, none of the food, drink, or clothing on this earth will maintain you unless you feed yourself spiritually.

So, show some “maitri,” loving-kindness, to yourself today.

Take Care,

Crystal

"It's your thing; do what you wanna do!"

About five years ago, a certain rogue told me to never do anything because “I should” which I immediately rebuked. However, fast forward to 2011, and doing what I want to do and not taking action based on “shoulds” is my New Year’s Resolution… What originally sounded to me as highly irresponsible and self-centered, I now see as pure yoga.

Interacting and making decisions from your own core is the essence of personal integrity, the union of action and inner self, and it is asteya, “truthfulness,” in action. To do something out of pressure, obligation, or guilt, or completely based on another person’s opinion is an act of violence, “himsa,” and is a lie. Having said that, our higher power speaks to us in various ways and provides friends and mentors to us. However, we must digest this information and produce our own desires and truths.

It is impossible to give your all to something that is false and inwardly violent, even if it is an act of charity. On the other hand, when you help someone out of pure desire to do so, it is truly an act of “charity,” of love, and the results will be tenfold.

This can seem difficult at times, but the question is easy – what do I WANT to do?  Granted, it may seem like the answer will never be laundry or work, but the answers may be have a clean and peaceful home or earn enough money to buy a house or to take a real vacation.

Even when you are able to recognize what you, at your core,  want to do, it can be very challenging to stay true to yourself and to not succumb. It takes courage, bravery… and a little capriciousness. However, remember that most people really don’t want you to do something you truly do not want to do although they may want you to want to. ;)

Some of us are so used to acting on the basis of other people that we aren’t on our own radar at all and have no idea what WE really want. That’s when you stop right there where you are and start playing… and digging. If you find yourself in this category, it’s also common to resent (and secretly covet) those who practice it quite well.

Practicing the art of moving from your core and acting out of pure desire, while allowing others to do the same, is the ultimate act of “ahimsa,” nonviolence, and follows the old saying “live and let live.” Another word for live is to reside, so let us reside in and truly inhabit ourSelves!  Namaste.

It's your thing..." by the Isley Bro. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Law64SEq8U

Surrendering to Winter

I know it's hard to think about shedding layers when it's this cold outside! All I want to do is sleep and eat amongst the bleak grey clouds and freezing temperatures, but perhaps that is exactly what we are supposed to do - bundle up in soft cuddly clothes and blankets (that would be torture in five months,) catch up on sleep, and eat warm hearty comfort food. Being a western-minded person, part of me is very anxious and weary about all of this. The rest of me is secretly thankful - thankful for an opportunity to not push quite so hard, to recoil inwardly beneath the surface, and to regroup spiritually and physically- knowing that there is an internal fire that will never ever completely expire. It is after all this bleakness that makes us appreciate so much the first 80 degree day and humid night. So, let us surrender to winter, and then perhaps we will join the azaleas in bearing fruit this spring.  Namaste.

Shedding Layers

Yesterday, I did not get arrested for streaking, but we'll get back to that on another day. I actually had a lot of fun and am incredibly grateful for everyone's positive feedback.

I went for another walk this morning. I started out with fleece pants, sports bra top, long sleeved t-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt - hood on my head - because, although it was glorious outside, it was still kind of cold. I got hot halfway and began to shed layers especially when I threw a jog in for a minute or two, but, when I was almost home, just the sports bra top was a little bare so I added the t-shirt back.... All of this to say, that we have to shed layers at times so that we do not suffocate and so that our movement isn't hindered. The layers of who we are trying to be, used to be, or think we are expected to be along with the baggage that comes along with them may seem comfortable until you start to peel away layers and feel your doggies breath.

This STUFF that we carry around and with which we cover ourselves up prevent our true selves from surfacing and prevent light and other manifestations from our higher power (such as love, faith, courage, etc...) from shining through to the point that we may not even recognize ourselves because we are covered up and incognito. As an old hymn says, "it's hard to dance with the devil on your back." So start shakin' it off!

On the other hand, we need to be compassionate with ourselves and not strip down to bra tops all at once in 40 degree weather... I'm sure some may take this metaphor way too literally this Super Bowl Sunday evening and as Mardi Gras approaches; either way, namaste! ;)

First Post!

I've always been afraid to start a blog or the like because it seems a bit arrogant; so here's to being arrogant! ;) We tend to share our negative thoughts but not necessarily the positive, inspiring, joyful ones, and I want to put something different out there in the universe today. In yoga this morning (to which I almost didn't go,) during some pretty intense hip-openers (pigeon with Kathryn laying on me, frog, and then bow!), I noticed this feeling... No, not pain, hyperventilation, or even stretching. It made me giggly... but my body was tense, nervous; it didn't want to let it out, whatever this was. We moved on to savasana, and the feeling was still there. Pure unadulterated overflowing joy hovering just below the surface! Why was I afraid to feel it? It's not necessarily the most familiar feeling... and what if I simply burst or jump up screaming "yahoo!!!," strip my clothes off and run out side in the street? Well, it's 36 degrees outside, so that really isn't likely. I took a chance laying there in savasana and felt it. A trickle and then a gush of joy began to flow. Two hours later I still feel it. Part of me thinks I should go for a walk to shake it off; let it dissipate. The other part says "no, let's cling to this." (but you know where clinging gets you...) I think I will go for a walk; probably not a chance it'll dissipate since the sun is beaming outside, and there is no ice in sight! I'm just going to let it flow and just see where it carries me... Who knows where I'll end up. ;) Namaste.